


Nonsensical

by Emilia0001



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Parental Roy, Parental Roy Mustang, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-27 09:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7612231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilia0001/pseuds/Emilia0001
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His skin is blossoming with impurity - tan turns bleak scars whiter, blood appears much more muted.</p><p>In which Edward clings to his mind and hides his heart. His heart doesn't mind - at first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nonsensical

 

_" Reality's a Lovely Place, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There. " - Owl City, The Real World._

 

* * *

 

 

Even though the world turned upside down over his head, the situation was kind of comical. It was as if some disembodied force was making fun of him, spitting him in the face to humiliate him. The sky hadn't fallen down, after all. It was still above his head even if he couldn't see it, so why did it feel as if he was face first in the dirt?Obviously, he wasn't. There wasn't any dirt, he was floors up in the gloomy building. That frustrated him. Ed wanted everything to be logical, no matter how brutal that reality would be. He'd happily be six feet below, rather than just feel like it. Because he couldn't understand the feeling if it wasn't real, and it wasn't, because he hadn't died yet.

That thought process ended up more morbid than he anticipated, but he didn't wave it away. After all, it sprinkled some sense over the witchcraft-mumbo-jumbo.

This wasn't like Ed. He's suppose to know science like a living encyklopedia. He loved to know and knew far from enough. As such, this made him even more frustrated. He was suppose to find the answers with help of books, was suppose to not feel, textbooks were-

 _SLAM_.

" Are you trying to piss me off on purpose, kid?! I've been calling out for five minutes! ", Colonel bastard smacked a hardcover book atop his head. Ed frowned at the second's disturbed thinking, but picked it up quickly enough, too out of it to even fix the wilted antenna and just hummed a 'whatever' without looking up.

" Something wrong, Fullmetal? "

" 'N't know. Tryina' think 'bout it ", Ed mumbled, organizing files within his head, putting stuff in folders and subfolders, marks, verses, sections and paragraphs. Crossing things that were unimportant but had been, moving things up on priority lists as it grew and got slimmer as stuff was added and got figured out.

' _Alright, my limbs hurts. Not logical, they're not even there. Go to the library an read about it, again. Easy to fix.'_ Crossed.

 _'Stressed when lonely. Fix that, as soon as possible. Figure it out, you whimp.'_ High priority.

 _'Feeling under the weather. Fix it, you big baby'_ Big subfolder.

" Tell me what's wrong, and maybe I can figure it out for you ", Mustang staid after just inspecting Fullmetal for a long while.

" Library couldn't with the big part, so you couldn't either ", Ed mumbled after weighing the importance of Mustangs offer. Yeah, probably not.

" Then stop thinking, now. ", Mustang sighed, dumping a few hand written pages in his hands " Called you here because of this ", Mustang slammed them down a second time.

Ed still didn even move to look at the papers. Mustang sighed and squatted down in front of the boy in the sofa, frowning worriedly ", Serously, Fullmetal, what's wrong? "

" 'N't know, can't figure it out ", Ed mumbled again, tapping his prostetic leg against he floor rythmically.

" Go on "

" 'st hurts. Ain't logical ", Ed scratched his neck, still looking at the wall absent mindedly while some of his impressive arrays of logic seemed to diminish. Edward tried precariously to hold onto the information, afraid of losing sight of the ones still in proximity if he went on a chase after already errant thoughts. Mustang gave him a scrutinizing look, the wrinkle between his browns becoming ever deeper.

" It hurts? Where? ", Mustang scooted closer to hear him better.

" Don't know. 'nt figured it out yet ", Ed said while mentally hold grab hold of his remaining, retched logic.

" You don't know where it hurts? " Mustang repeated, the statement coming off as more of a question.

Ed nodded " Don't know "

It was as if time took a break for a few moments. The clock ticked slow, but Ed continued tapping his foot the way he felt was rythmical. Time didn't lie, so he knew he was off beat. That didn't make sense either, but he continued the same way he had for minutes.

_Thump. Clack. Thump. Clack_

_Thump, clack, thump, clack._

_Thumpclackthumpclack_.

" It just does ", Ed mumbled, internally screaming as all his folders and priority lists were set aflame, the logic storage which was his head dug six feet underground just as he'd managed to get it out of there.

But he wasn't. He was still here. It hurt. He didn't understand, he was here, so why wasn't he? Why did he feel so unconcious, trailing white dots of light just out of reach within his vision? Why did he feel so useless, mind uncontrollable and pit in his stomach hollowing more and more? No matter how hard he tapped his leg, the clock wouldn't follow it. He could feel Mustang's vary glances and hear his calming mumbles telling him to slow down, but they might as well not have been there. His mind was away and his stomach turned inwards, fingers shaking uncontrollably and stars dancing over his head, nettle spots of light hurting his head.

_CRASH_

Ed felt a stray shard graze his cheek.

" It just hurts ", he mumbled,  broken record. " Mustang ", he whined, gaunted look plaguing his face ", it really, really hurts. "

He was standing now, trying to break the saved, bottom half of an hourglass shaped crystal vase that had been standing to his left by slamming it into the wall with his flesh hand. The other half was already in bits scattered across the floor. The younger could see blood trickle down his hand and wrist while Mustang was standing dubfounded, soaked and with flowers by his feet. That wasn't what was hurting Ed, though. Edward had slammed fake logic into the wall within the vase for betraying him and couldn't draw the connections between reality and fantasy. When he could feel the physical twinge of cuts and blood, he could feel some of his senses returning, and welcomed it. His vision cleared, and what was set aflame earlier was only _partially_ in cinders. By that point, the vase was just a vase, logic wasn't a physical object, but pain was. It was comforting and reassuring, because it mede so much damn  _sense_.

Around that time, when Ed plopped down on the ground,  where he'd been standing, overcome with a lethargy he hadn't noticed been plauging him until he allowed himself to relax. Mustang had regained his senses and rushed over to the heap on the floor.

" Ed! ", And then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he was dragged away from the shards and bloody wall.

" Sir! ", Hawkeye shouted in union with a slam from the heavy doors ", What's going on? "

" First aid, Hawkeye! Find it! "

The doors slammed again.

" What the hell are you doing, Fullmetal?! " Ed just shook his head ", Well, answer me! "

" I don't know, I don't -- it doesn't make sense, it isn't suppose to be -- It just hurts all the time and I don't know what I'm -- "

He realised he'd somehow stressed the boy further by starting with spouting orders and demands, even though the boy clearly wasn't himself. Mustang took both Ed's shoulder's in a firm grip " Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. ", Mstang mumbled, voice low as he desperately tried to collect the lost boy on the floor and keep him put together. " Just calm down. You're hyperventilating, I'm sorry, calm down. It's okay now. "

Ed leaned forward into Mustang's chest as some sort prop against gravity " Can't - fucking - breathe! ", and he slammed his bloody fist and metal one into the man's chest in misdirected anger, causing lout complaints from the older.

" Calm --- down! ", Mustang breathed, drawing him closer and locking Ed's arms between them to prevent him from punching him.

" You can, you can. Just in, and out. Do it like I do ", Mustang heaved his chest over exaggeratedly and slowly to gain the boys attention and let him know what he meant. While, Hawkeye had slipped into the room, and was watching silently.

" Breathe. Just - breathe ", The room went quiet for a moment, only disturbed by Ed's wheezes and caughs " There you go ", Mustang sighed, loosening the grip around his subordinate. He inspected the younger, and grit his teeth at the sight. His face was splotchy from crying, and he still did weep . In that moment, Fullmetal truly looked like one his age who'd been through his hardships. It was harsh reality, brutal and a little heartbreaking. This was the kid, fourteen and equivalent of a major in military service. An orphan with the weight of both his and his brother's lives and patchworked bodies, and that was only the tip of the iceberg.

" It don't understand ", Edward mumbled again " It just hurts. It doesn't make sense. "

Mustang patted his head while discreetly taking the lended first aid box fom the first lieutenant standing out of sight of the boy.

He ruffled the blonde's hair before grabbing his flesh arm to tend to the wound. " I think it does ", Mustang almost laughed at the dumbfounded, childish expression that crossed Ed's face.

Now they just had to make Edward understand, too.


End file.
